So many times I have opened my blog to write something, but I just stare at the page, then close the lap top and leave. I used to be so many things, love so many things, do so many things. But then I stopped. You know the saying you have to lose yourself to find yourself. I would say that over these past 5 years, I lost myself. If I were to look at my blogging, it stopped after we went to law school. Something that I had a choice to do, but didn't *really* have a choice to do. Brad wanted to go to law school, and in order to do so, I needed to work. I didn't want to work, but I needed to. How is that a choice? So I gave of myself and said I would work so he could go. So he could create a better life for us and for him. I wanted him to do something that he would be happy doing, so I went back to work for him. I hated it. Hate would be saying it nicely. I had 2 boys that I would munch on during the week and when my number was called I would work 5, 12 hour NIGHT shifts, in a row. Sleep 5 hrs in the morning while they were at a sitter, pick them up, feed them, attempt housework, and go back to work as Brad walked back in the door from school. I was tired, I was half a mom, I was half a nurse. I stopped reading for pleasure, I stopped blogging as a passion, I stopped photography, everything stopped as I struggled for air. My boys were my lifeline. Only them mattered, I would spend my time for them. I have sharp memories of waking up, feeling stale and taking my boys to the mainstreet fountain, something they loved, so I would feel like a good mom. My eyes burned, my face felt stiff as I smiled to show them I loved them. Because I did. I felt like this but I never told anyone. I wanted to look as if I was happy. Why I cared what others thought is beyond me, but then again, I lost who I was-- I was who I thought people wanted me to be. I wanted to appear as this amazing hard working wife, who could handle everything. Joke's on me.
I get so mad at myself for not fighting harder for me. Here I am, finally a SAHM. and a terrible one. I worked 8 years as a night shift nurse, so the house always came last, we ate out more than I like to admit, I never did laundry consistently, ever. Then boom, I finally got what I wanted, and suck at it! I finally have a house to call my own and I have no idea how to keep it. I would say I love organization, but my house is disorganized, I finally do laundry every Tuesday, meal plans are a joke. WHAT is going on!? I am fighting to get myself back, I'm so close. I am happier. So much happier without worrying about working. Now I can focus on me, my family and my home. Finally.
4 comments:
I totally understand!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that you are probably doing an awesome job, but I have struggled with/still struggling with the same issue. It gets better sort of. I think part of it is that there is no hard line to measure success with. I have a hard time feeling competent at what I am doing with my life. Good luck, keep going, you got this. PS Tuesday laundry days are the best!
I totally get it. I work full time and have these 4 kids to take care of and I constantly feel like I am coming up short. Like I don't have enough of myself to give to be a good teacher, a good mom, a good wife, a good housekeeper, a good cook, a good member of the church doing my calling, etc. I go to bed exhausted and crying more times than I want to admit. But I know in my heart that this is what I am supposed to be doing and that somehow the Lord will make up the difference. I'm glad you get to stay home now, you'll find your new rhythm soon!
Wow! I seriously love how real you are even though you might not be in love w it. As a SAHM:) I have had many of those feelings, which is refreshing. I esp. Loved when you said, I love organization but feel unorganized. Haha so me. So good to hear from you:)
Yes yes and yes. Oh my goodness yes. I haven't worked for 3 years and I am just *barely* finding my way into being an actual mom and wife. It's a lot of work too. Way more rewarding though, IMO. :)
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