My life has been a little bit calm a lot-o-bit crazy. I sit here writing this post on my phone bc I kinda feel like either crying my eyes out, stabbing my eyes out, or staring off into space for an awkwardly long period of time. There is so much going on in my little mind right now that I'm not to sure how I feel about yet. I feel like these everytime I wake up after working night shift.
It's raining outside, which I don't mind, actually loved sleeping to the wet noise outside my window after working a grueling 12 hr night shift. I can't decide what is better, to tell others my feelings or keep them to myself. Because when I tell others they seem to tell me what to do or what they think and I just want to be heard and listened to and not judged for my own thoughts. I told a lady at work that I do not love working bc I hate being away from my boys. I shouldn't have said anything. I felt vulnerable and weak after telling her, at least that is how she made me feel. It was the truth though. I feel like those who get to stay home with their kids are the luckiest people in the world. You cannot replace that time with your kids, can't ever get it back, and will soon forget what it's like to have little ones crawl in your bed at 5 am. Sometimes I come home to see my three boys cuddled in bed together, all asleep, heads on shoulders, arms flailed across chests, dozing sweetly. I can't help the twinge of guilt I feel by not being there when they came crawling in needing comfort. Ethan says, awe mom why do you work so much? When I tell him I have to leave for work now. They want lots of hugs, long, leg clinging hugs as I am rushing out the door, and I tell them I love them but have being late to work on the mind. I drive to work in silence. I pray work goes well, that I can be a focused compassionate nurse and help people...bc I do love that. God knows what I need. He has been good to me bc I always come home grateful bc I didnt get 'that' patient. I look at all these women who work at my hospital...who have kids...how do they do it? Are they hiding it like me? Because they act like it's no big deal...and talk like work is their getaway from crazy kids and chaos at home. They laugh as they talk about leaving their husbands to do dinner and homework and running the kids around. As if, haha, this sucks so I laugh so I don't cry. At least that is how I see it.
Then I have the sweetest patient, who loves their baby, who needs help and I am there to give it. I am reminded that I am here for them as well as being here for my family. I do this for my kids. I do this for my husband so he can finish school. I may have to do this forever to keep insurance. But I keep going back to work. For them.
