My life has been a little bit calm a lot-o-bit crazy. I sit here writing this post on my phone bc I kinda feel like either crying my eyes out, stabbing my eyes out, or staring off into space for an awkwardly long period of time. There is so much going on in my little mind right now that I'm not to sure how I feel about yet. I feel like these everytime I wake up after working night shift.
It's raining outside, which I don't mind, actually loved sleeping to the wet noise outside my window after working a grueling 12 hr night shift. I can't decide what is better, to tell others my feelings or keep them to myself. Because when I tell others they seem to tell me what to do or what they think and I just want to be heard and listened to and not judged for my own thoughts. I told a lady at work that I do not love working bc I hate being away from my boys. I shouldn't have said anything. I felt vulnerable and weak after telling her, at least that is how she made me feel. It was the truth though. I feel like those who get to stay home with their kids are the luckiest people in the world. You cannot replace that time with your kids, can't ever get it back, and will soon forget what it's like to have little ones crawl in your bed at 5 am. Sometimes I come home to see my three boys cuddled in bed together, all asleep, heads on shoulders, arms flailed across chests, dozing sweetly. I can't help the twinge of guilt I feel by not being there when they came crawling in needing comfort. Ethan says, awe mom why do you work so much? When I tell him I have to leave for work now. They want lots of hugs, long, leg clinging hugs as I am rushing out the door, and I tell them I love them but have being late to work on the mind. I drive to work in silence. I pray work goes well, that I can be a focused compassionate nurse and help people...bc I do love that. God knows what I need. He has been good to me bc I always come home grateful bc I didnt get 'that' patient. I look at all these women who work at my hospital...who have kids...how do they do it? Are they hiding it like me? Because they act like it's no big deal...and talk like work is their getaway from crazy kids and chaos at home. They laugh as they talk about leaving their husbands to do dinner and homework and running the kids around. As if, haha, this sucks so I laugh so I don't cry. At least that is how I see it.
Then I have the sweetest patient, who loves their baby, who needs help and I am there to give it. I am reminded that I am here for them as well as being here for my family. I do this for my kids. I do this for my husband so he can finish school. I may have to do this forever to keep insurance. But I keep going back to work. For them.
6 comments:
Those boys are so lucky to have u! Thanks for sharing this, it makes me a little bit more grateful for the chaos that was today at the Davis household.
Hollie
Sure love you! Glad to hear the same thoughts from someone else!
You have absolutely no idea how much I can relate to your post. I miss my kids like crazy. I feel like working makes me a different person. I'm so much happier and tolerant when I have time off. I hate being tired and I don't think I deal with it well. sometimes I feel like it's not fair to my kids. but like you...I do it. For them. For our family. so we can have the things we need and some things we want. It's very tough. I've cried reading other people's posts about how awesome being a stay at home mom is. I wish. I just pray and try really hard so that my kids don't feel like they've missed out. :-) I think all we can do is the best we can and try to stay positive.
You are NOT alone in feeling that way, sweet Monica. It says a lot about your mother's heart. My last job I cried every single night on my way to work. At times I felt like it really was good for me to miss them, to not take them for granted, and to give them a chance to miss me for a while too. ;) But I ached to just be with them, not to miss any more stories or dinners or bedtime prayers. I wish I could do anything more than say I understand. You are a wonderful mommy who loves her family more than anything, though, and your boys know that.
Thanks ladies. Trying to stay positive!!! It comes in waves. This week was particularly harder. Xoxo monica
hey girl.. i'm down to 2 days not 3 but thinking that might help some and it has a little but i still feel like you wishing i was home with the kids. I wish eric could have a job with insurance but a lot of jobs now a days don't have them and if they do they are crappy and we need insurance. i think i should go back to school but that makes me sick thinking about that because i'll be leaving my kids. all i know is that praying helps and works. I might not get the answers right away but i always feel at peace when i pray, and don't believe it was by chance that both my boys in my life got diabetes and i happened to be at a job that has pretty good insurance. hang in there. your a great mom.
Post a Comment