inspired

As of late I have felt seemingly uninspired, detached or blah-ish.  I can't even come up with a word to describe what I have been feeling. Uninspired seemingly works best, if it can work at all.  I think with the move, new job, kids growing up and me coming "home" did me in.  It has made me recollect of who I am and who I thought I wanted to be when I was thirty.

The thought came to me as I was standing in my dad's office, which used to be my bedroom, except now it is painted over and filled with my dads business stuff.  I remember sitting on the ground in that room next to the heater spending hours and hours contemplating life while the heater burned my back, then legs and then bum as I would rotate spots while dreaming about my life or talking on the phone with girlfriends about my future.  I stood by that heater and thought "I am here, in my future, what have I become?"

Quite a daunting thought, as I could remember vividly what my legs felt like 14 yrs ago, as the heater warmed them to an almost blister before I would rotate sides, as if I was there doing it now.  Here I am, meeting my past with my future. I almost expected chimes and a wind to blow the papers around to like a freaky Friday incident.  No one showed up from my past, I didn't switch places with anyone, but I could feel my 16 yr old self.  She was wild at heart, hopeful and energetic, careless and excited to venture on.  I remember her, that is REMEMBER but now I am reserved and responsible.  I do not draw or paint like she used to.  I do not take pictures like she used to.  I do not look for artists and music like she used to.  I do not go out to search for fun and new things. I do not face new things with confidence and a smile like she used to.  I do things that are safe, usual and predictable.  I wonder if everyone could remember what they were when they were 16, would they feel like me?  Does age make us this way, or is it my life that had led me to smooth out the sharp edges and unique spots to a flat stone?

I expected me at 30 to be more.  More loving. More fun. More laughs. More smart.  More kids.  More money.  More happiness.  More carefree.  More time. More creative. More myself...

I used to love to write, and read and grow from it.  I felt I let myself spill out on paper or relate to a character in a book that I would allow them to spill out in my life.  I loved the romance life offered.  The beauty.  It made me want to go dig out my journals of past, which I cannot find.  But to live that life again, to have that feeling of standing on the edge breathing in the fresh air just waiting for the next exciting thing.  I feel grounded now, and can't remember the last time I was anticipating the next exciting thing.  Maybe that is what 30 is about?  Or maybe I have let myself be boarded up with things that I thought were more important than, me.

I'm glad that I found my 16 year old self.  Because now I can remember me, and remember that life is quite still romantic and that I now have 3 boys to bring on my adventures.  I feel quite lucky because I don't want to be this thirty, I want to be that thirty, and I don't know if I would have realized this unless I had that moment in my old bedroom.  I am hopeful that this will change my uninspired to inspired, I just have to let it.