M stands for...

MOM & Monica!

When I reflect back on Brad and I deciding to have kids, I wonder what I was thinking? In a good way... But to be honest, I DON'T think I WAS thinking of what a mother could mean. Now that I have 2 kids, and I am nearing 30, I wonder if it is okay to be defined by my children. Right now I live for them. I cart them places, sing crazy songs, do weird things and talk in funny voices to get them to laugh. I am a constant worry of who they are and what they are becoming. I don't think one conversation that comes out of my mouth doesn't involve them in some way. I go to bed guilty that I was too grumpy to read them "one more book" or "sing one more song." What I wear in the morning is decided on whether or not butt crack will show while tying their shoes or if it will be too tight while wrestling the boys. Yeah, all 3 mins of my allotted time to get ready is consumed by my boys. I feel every bump and scratch that my child has all the way down to my own bones. I even eat and drink out of children's plates, cups and silverware.

I think, all of us mothers, give so much of ourselves that the tiny bit that's left of us comes out in small rays of sunshine on a cloudy day. I think about everything that I don't do anymore now that I am a mother. The stuff I don't have time for anymore, and that I can't do because of my responsibilities. AND...surprisingly, I am okay with that. Tonight, after the kids went to bed, my husband and I looked for a movie to watch. But I ended up cleaning the house. He told me to do something that I WANT to do, instead of cleaning the house. I thought for a minute...what do I want to do? It's been so long that I've let myself do anything for me without letting my worry about my kids talk me out of it. Even when I play basketball in the morning with other moms while my kids play with other kids, I wonder if it's the best thing for them? But, tonight at that moment, cleaning the house was what I wanted to get done bc I know when the kids wake up I won't be able to do it.

I feel like tonight, I used my kids as an excuse not to be me. I had time, but I didn't use it. How many times do I miss small opportunities to soak in the tub or read a good book that I used to love to do because I use the excuse of my kids? It's not their fault, it is mine. I forget that I am still here, and chose only to notice that it's a cloudy day, instead of recognizing that the sun is still there behind the clouds.

I can only hope, when those rays of sunshine sneak through, that I WILL CHOOSE TO turn my face to the sun and feel the warmth as energy that I can still be me, the best part of me. That it is okay to have my children define PARTS of me, but still hang on to me. To use those times, to get a break, feed my soul, renew my thoughts, and in turn, be a better mom.