a scary moment

A few days ago Ethan was outside running around just after Brad had left for his scouting campout. I was out there watching him and cleaning up the car, Ethan exhilarated that he was able to run around and stomp in puddles and play in the snow was in his own world. I was watching him run behind our parked car, bend down to touch the snow and look up. He saw the huge puddle of water that gathered at the end of my driveway and pooled into the street. Of course to a child this would be bliss to play in, and as I looked to where he was gazing he took off for it. I panicked because he was closer to the puddle than I was which meant closer to the street and closer to the cars that were flying by. This was a very frightening moment for me. I felt a bolt of lightening hit my heart, I watched a cement semi truck come down the street as slush was spraying from its tires hitting the sidewalk, I could feel myself yelling NO NO ETHAN, I felt like I was paused in time even though my body was moving, I seriously had precious moments flash through my mind of Ethan from birth to now, of all my favorite moments, but I had this feeling of dread, as if I hadn't had enough. I think Ethan could sense the fear in my voice, or SOMETHING, because he just stopped. Running full speed for the street, then stopped and turned to me. I immediately picked him up, my body was shaking, and hugged him. I didn't know what to say or do. I walked inside the house and closed the door.

I cannot seem to shake that feeling that I got when I was watching him run toward the street and the semi. I cannot even explain it in full detail. All I know is that my heart will never be the same. It made me question myself, was I a good enough mother, Had I given him everything I could, had I done enough, what have I done to preserve the memories? Later, while I still had that void inside, I wondered if i cherished being a mother as much as I should. A lot of times, when people ask I tell them that I am a nurse. But in reality, I work 2 nights a week and take care of my son full time. I am a Mother. A job, I learned Saturday, that is far more important than any accreditation, any degree, and any career.