She works hard for her money.

My life has been a little bit calm a lot-o-bit crazy.  I sit here writing this post on my phone bc I kinda feel like either crying my eyes out, stabbing my eyes out, or staring off into space for an awkwardly long period of time.  There is so much going on in my little mind right now that I'm not to sure how I feel about yet.  I feel like these everytime I wake up after working night shift.

It's raining outside, which I don't mind, actually loved sleeping to the wet noise outside my window after working a grueling 12 hr night shift.  I can't decide what is better, to tell others my feelings or keep them to myself. Because when I tell others they seem to tell me what to do or what they think and I just want to be heard and listened to and not judged for my own thoughts.  I told a lady at work that I do not love working bc I hate being away from my boys. I shouldn't have said anything. I felt vulnerable and weak after telling her, at least that is how she made me feel.  It was the truth though.  I feel like those who get to stay home with their kids are the luckiest people in the world.  You cannot replace that time with your kids, can't ever get it back, and will soon forget what it's like to have little ones crawl in your bed at 5 am.  Sometimes I come home to see my three boys cuddled in bed together, all asleep, heads on shoulders, arms flailed across chests, dozing sweetly.  I can't help the twinge of guilt I feel by not being there when they came crawling in needing comfort. Ethan says, awe mom why do you work so much? When I tell him I have to leave for work now.  They want lots of hugs, long, leg clinging hugs as I am rushing out the door, and I tell them I love them but have being late to work on the mind.  I drive to work in silence. I pray work goes well, that I can be a focused compassionate nurse and help people...bc I do love that.  God knows what I need. He has been good to me bc I always come home grateful bc I didnt get 'that' patient.  I look at all these women who work at my hospital...who have kids...how do they do it?  Are they hiding it like me? Because they act like it's no big deal...and talk like work is their getaway from crazy kids and chaos at home.  They laugh as they talk about leaving their husbands to do dinner and homework and running the kids around. As if, haha, this sucks so I laugh so I don't cry.  At least that is how I see it.
Then I have the sweetest patient, who loves their baby, who needs help and I am there to give it. I am reminded that I am here for them as well as being here for my family. I do this for my kids. I do this for my husband so he can finish school. I may have to do this forever to keep insurance. But I keep going back to work. For them.

Of course it's my child!

That spells this!! After he wrote it out, he proudly held up his paper to show me what he wrote "I sounded it out, All BY MYSELF."

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of his kindergarten class.

Seriously, my kid even got the double oo right! Gotta love being a parent. 

Mr. Choo-choo

This little man is turning 4 on Sunday. He is such a stud. Smart, sweet, energetic & crazy intense with everything he does.  Right now he loves trains and bike rides.  Every night in his prayers he prays that he will be able to ride his bike. He will also remind you while you are praying not to forget about his bike ride. He gets up at 6ish and will go to grandpas room to wake him up and say, "grandpa, i'm hungry." Of course g-pa gets up with him and feeds him breakfast every morning. Gavin learned real fast if he comes to my room I make him go back to bed. 

Something cute... My dad was out of town for two days and came home after the kids were sleeping.  In the morning Gavin went to g-pa's room and found my dad sleeping, he said, "grandpa what took you so long??!!" He missed his g-pa!

Gavin says he wants "the train I just showed you" for his birthday.  Problem is I have no idea which train that is!

This little man started preschool this year.  He loves it.  I think it is great for him, especially since it is  structured and education based. He is learning a lot.  I have noticed a change in behavior from him, he is more patient and willing to talk things through rather than full out fits. 

We love our Gavy baby. He tells me he is not a baby anymore he is "big, 41 lbs big."

Gav you will always steal my heart.  I about broke into a million bits while rocking you to sleep when I realized that your legs are too long to wrap around me and your little body is to big to hold in the crook of my arm.  Your chubby body has thinned out and you are growing into such a handsome little boy. I love you even though I told you to stop growing up and you didn't listen! Xoxo

Brads birthday!

I treated brad to a concert for his birthday. We went to Dave Matthews Band at the gorge in WA.  The view was amazing, the company was of course wonderful and Dave couldn't have played better.  It was so fun being there with my hubby dancing and enjoying music we both love. It would do it again for sure!!

We have a kindergartener

Mr. Ethan started kindergarten today.  He did great!  Although, today he told me while practicing reading that it was boring. Gasp...my child thinks reading is boring!! How can that be, having a book worm as a mom!  I told him we will have to find books that he likes since he thinks it is boring.  Besides that, he did great. No tears from him, just from me! Love him!!

What's up?

SIGH...
I feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders these past two months.   It seemed like in June life was on the downword spiral, the beginning of an avalanch. So much to do, so little time. Eeek.  June marked the end of Brad's 2 year of law school, he now as one year left! Although, I'm pretty sure he thinks he is done, we all have to suffer through one more year.  We made a grand decision to leave Moscow and have Brad do his last year at University of Washington. Mainly because we want to end up here near Seattle, the grandparents, and out of the blizzard winters.  He will have the opportunity to network as a student and get experience before he graduates and becomes a "real lawyer" when no one will want to help him. So it is a good decision.  The only thing is to make it work, we will be kickin' it with my parents in their house for a year.

I am undecided how I feel about being an adult, and I can say that because I am 30 now, and moving back in with my parents.  It doesn't feel amazing when people ask how I am doing and to see their excitement in their eyes fade when I tell them I am moving back with my parents.  Honestly, someone asked if everything was okay and if Brad was coming with me.  I respond, Brad is the reason why we are moving in with my parents.  They ask what happened.  Can no one believe that I made the decision to move in with the peeps unrelated to a tragic or terrible event in my life?  Do I need and 'excuse' as to why I'm moving back in?  Because I have none... and I kinda feel obligated to have one.

Second, moving back has been surreal.  This place I loved so much growing up, has wonderful and terrible memories associated with it. I wouldn't have expected these thoughts and memories to come so sharply to mind.  But I guess that is what happens when you actually move somewhere instead of visit. I took the boys to the beach that I spent my life at growing up.  I swelled with joy to see them loving the water, the sand and the sounds of the beach as much as I did.  They were doing the same things I did when I was young.  It was as if I was re-living my past through my children.  A stop in time.  A quiet moment to ponder of the magic that stands in front of me...my two little boys.  I wanted to stay there forever, in that moment, that reminded me of how small we really are in this vast world.  Yet, God loves and knows each one of us and our needs.

God has been good to me.  He has gently led me through life without any harsh hiccups or tragic road blocks.  I feel his presence softly guiding me to make the right choices that will ultimately bring happiness and love to my life. I am thankful.  I would have never thought I would be here.  Two years ago I remember sitting in our car overlooking Rexburg and talking about the option of law school.  I remember thinking that 3 years is impossible and crazy. But here we are, 2 years down, only months left.  That is crazy.

Hello 30!

I cannot believe that I am thirty years old.  I honestly feel 18, except I have a hubby and 2 kids, but 18 for sure at heart.  I was okay with everyone else growing up around me except for me and my little family.  Can we stay young forever?  Can't I be the exception to the growing old thing? 20 has been so exciting! Marriage, buying my first house, 2 kids, becoming business owners, trips to Hawaii, Brazil, Dominican Republic, Nursing School,  L&D RN, a huge move to go back to school for Brad, many wonderful friends and family and lots of great memories.

What did I do on my 30th?  Something wild and crazy...a spontaneous photo shoot of ME! Yikes.  I tell ya, I thought it was a good idea until we actually got to taking the pictures and I got really embarrassed.  What 30yr old holds on to balloons and poses for the camera... yeah, that's what all the people gawking were thinking. I had a good friend Steph take my NEW BIRTHDAY camera and act like she knew what she was doing while I pretended I knew what I was doing and we got a few cute pics.  I wanted some pictures of me at 30, so I have something to remember what I was like when I turn 60.  It was kinda fun, after I ignored the people starring. But this was one of my goals for 30...go out and DO the things I WANT to do. So, I did!

To celebrate Brad took me to Seaside Oregon with our little family. My mom came along for the ride and to help with the kids while Brad and I hit the night life.  We had a blast going to the beach all day, swimming in the "hot pools", flying kites, hiking, riding carousels, eating fish and chips and watching movies.  We drove up to Seattle and my parents took us out to a fancy Chinese restaurant, then treated to gelato ice cream and sent to the movies with my love while the parents watched the boys.  I felt very spoiled!!  Not to mention Brad got me a new camera for my birthday, I love it. I received lots of emails and phone calls from friend and family, my in-laws sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  20 has been good to me.

Let's hope 30 is just as good or BETTER!

Some fond memories consist of...

• Brad proposing.
• Brad washing our car off in a tuxedo while I sat in my wedding dress on our way to our hotel room on our wedding night, bc we didn't have anything else to do...
• Brad wearing my platform sandals while he let me wear his sandals in a downpour in Mexico bc my feet kept slipping in them...such love, oh and the looks from the locals were priceless.
• Riding on mopeds and crashing mopeds in Dominican Republic.
• Taking road trips when we had some spare time to find beauty in nature.
• Taking road trips when we had spare time with a baby in the back seat, then 2 babies in the back seat.
• Rocking out to Brad playing the guitar and singing to my prego belly.
• Holding up drywall 8 months prego for Brad.
• Picking my best friend up from her mission in Brazil.
• Running my first relay marathon.
• Falling asleep the the sound of 3 sleeping boys in my bed, nothing is sweeter.
• Learning and loving to cook, then Sunday dinners with friends and family.
• Natalie and Brandon, neighbors/best friends/family.
• My sister in laws becoming SISTERS, love them.
• Christmas with family in NC.
• Traveling with Brando and Nat.
• Being called "mama".
• Hanging out with my family in Edmonds doing nothing except laughing.
• 2 precious boys belonging to me.
• Playing recreational basketball with a bunch of amazing women.
• Law school friends and game nights.
• So many beautiful beaches I've seen in my 20s.
• Ethan loving music and singing for a talent show while I play bass and Brad the guitar.
• So much love and so much to celebrate and so many more memories...I am blessed.

Life

Things have hit me quite sudden.  I should not say "things" but "life" has hit me quite sudden.  The saying time flies when you are having fun was written just for me.  I feel like our decision to go to law school was so long ago, so long that if it were true of how long ago I feel it was, I would be 8 yrs old making the decision.  But really, only 2 years.  The cherished people and experiences that I have had over these past two years are like me trying to fit them all in a tiny suitcase that you have to sit on to zip shut, and yet they would tumble out in beautiful colors and loud laughter and sweet baby kisses. I'm pretty sure you would see a basketball fly out, late girl talks, a bulk of my clothes would be nursing scrubs and all my favorite co-workers name badges.  Dinner dates, a joke about boys playing Foosball instead of studying, working out and even my very first carpool.

This life, it is a CHARMED LIFE.  A life where everyone is students, living off of loans, and in the same boat of getting an education.  There is afternoon leisurely walks with friends.  Daily park dates while the hubs are at school.  Quick drop ins at so and so' house.  Lots of cookies and desserts.  Sunday dinner is never lonely.  Always a place to send your kids when you need a break or to run an errand.  Always a friend around the corner.  It is the feeling of growing close to those who are having the same experience as you, sharing the same emotions and learning from each other.  We are a family away from family.

That is why it hurts so bad to send my friends away.  It's like sending family members away.  It is sad to me because it will never be the same as it was here in our charmed life.  Where the boys were done studying and came home without a care in the world except what was going to be on the next final.  No real life, no stresses over jobs or money.  Just us, taking care of each other and building each other up.  We were put in this situation for a reason, and there is no doubt that I will keep in touch with these awesome friends, but I know I will miss this life.  The life that I dreaded to start.  I am so thankful that I decided to make the most of it, because I have the most special memories and moments that I will keep in my heart forever.

Only one more year until we are done.

never run out of tp!

You know how I'm a mom, and since I am one, I wait for the very last minute that I'm doing the potty dance before I drop everything and go to the bathroom.  This one particular instance I found super humorous in the the life of a mom. There are a few things that I feel are a waste of time, going to the bathroom being one of them.  It's just so darn inconvenient and always has the worst timing, for me or my little dudes.  I kind of despise that place in general, and if you don't, then you haven't ever cleaned a toilet that your 2 little boys have marked their territory on.  This is how my story goes...

I wait until last minute to go pee.
Go flying into the bathroom, leave all doors open, barely make it, but still make it so it counts.
Notice when done that there is no tp on the holder, not even an empty roll.
Find hope that since there isn't an empty roll, the roll must be somewhere else.
Look around for the roll while sitting, don't find it.  In fact, can't find anything suitable to use in replacement for tp.
Yell at boys to bring me tp.
Boys come running in asking me what I am doing, touching all makeup and things on counter.
Youngest asks me to move so he can pee.
I again, ask them to get me some tp.
Oldest goes running out of the bathroom to get some. I am excited to finally get some tp.
Oldest stops just outside the bathroom door where he finds a large flashlight.
I yell for my oldest, the youngest tells me he is in my closet making spooky faces with the flashlight.
I tell my youngest I will give him some candy if he gets me some tp from his bathroom.
I can hear the youngest running down the hallway toward his bathroom, yes, finally, I will actually get some tp.
I hear the water turning on in the bathroom, I groan and knock on the wall.
I consider just pulling the pants up and getting tp myself...
Oldest comes into the bathroom, I tell him firmly to get me some tp RIGHT NOW.
He runs off, bickers with brother in the bathroom, comes back and says he doesn't have any!
I say fine, get me a napkin from the drawer in the kitchen, oldest meets youngest in hallway and tells him of the plan.
They both come running in saying they can't find any.  Youngest is covered in water, hair is matted to his head eating some bread he found in the drawer looking for a napkin.
I say, bring me a paper towel please from the counter.
They run off giggling, find something random in the living room, and I hear the TV turn on.
I YELL PAPER TOWEL PLEASE, FOCUS CHILDREN, GET ME A PAPER TOWEL.
It feels like minutes go by. No boys. No paper towel.
I YELL again, come in here boys!
Oldest yells back that there is only one paper towel. I say bring it to mommy.
Oldest brings me a paper towel, nicely folded in a square and dripping wet.
He hands it to me and says, "I got it wet for you like you do for me"

Thanks buddy, because everyone likes to wipe with a wet paper towel.

I should have just pulled the pants up when I realized we didn't have any tp...

the boys

Today i was getting ready for another night shift when I heard the boys giggling their heads off in the bathroom. This is never good news at my house, it usually means the boys have found some sort of entertainment that I do not approve of. Upon inspection the boys were filling up cups of cold water and dumping it on each other! The entire floor was flooded and their clothes were wet. I immediatley told them to stop right now and clean this mess up, I also said that water stays in the sink and tub AND we don't splash each other with our clothes on and get water all over the floor. I left them to cleaning and quickly found that both my boys decided to strip naked and stand in the tub taking turns throwing cups of ice water on each other... I just shut the door and waited for Brad to come home to take care of it. Bc don't you think thats punishment enough? I would have sent them to their rooms but they decided to torture each other for kicks and giggles! Who does that for the love!!!

Ethan singing Chasing Cars

For those who couldn't view the link. Please enjoy the cutest thing ever!

Crazy Gavy

I like Gavin. I do. I love the kid. But boy can he push some buttons... He is wild and crazy. He is a tank, rough and adventurous. He loves thrills. I mean it, to the point that he will jump off high things, roll down steep hills, stomp in huge puddles just for the FUN of it. He cannot get enough of me wrestling him or Brad flat out throwing pillows at him to knock him down. He drives me crazy with all his tactics. He is NOT quiet, but very loud. He screams demands, pleasantries and thank yous. He gets frustrated easily, especially at his toys that don't do what he wants them to. He is NOT soft with anything, even his kisses are pretty much a smash face plant.

On the other hand. This kid can giggle and laugh and laugh. He finds most things funny and makes you feel like a million bucks. He loves to be sung to and to be loved and held. He can give you the most amazing cuddles. He is quite the bargainer, "after I take a nap, I will go on a big bike ride to colty's house" sure buddy, whatever works. He is very polite, "wow thank you mommy, I wanted that." He has the best grey blue eyes, such personality dancing about in those eyes. He loves to be on the go and very active which keeps us on our toes.

I talked with a friend today after Gavin ripped my purse off my shoulder and broke the strap. She said I have a lot of patience for him and that his personality can be tunneled towards sports. I think she is SO right. Gavin needs something to get all his wiggles out and directed towards something of value. I feel like he would be great at any sport, he is driven and competitive and LOVES to get things right. Where Ethan loves to sing, Gavin has no interests and will destroy all of Brad's recording equipment before he would even say hello into the mic. I bought the boys some gloves to play catch with me. They both are still learning to catch, but Gavin can bullet the ball at your head when he throws it back.

Here is where I believe parents need to pay attention to the things that their kids find value in and let them pursue it. At age 6 Brad showed interest in the guitar, so his mom bought one and had him take lessons. He still rocks out to this day, and I love it. I think Gavin needs some sort of outlet besides pushing bro's and moms buttons. I'm hoping some sort of sport or gymnastic will tame the little lion!

Park Day

Today I decided that I would not use "I'm tired" as an excuse to get out of the house. So I dressed the boys up for some pictures in the park and then was going to let them play. Well, Gavin threw me for a loop and first thing he did when we got there was ride his bike through the mud puddles and skid his bike into a hug mud pit. He landed on his knee and wiped his hands on his shirt. Sweet. So my picture idea turned into a few quick shots of the boys chest up. They were so excited to play that they did not cooperate for pictures. Why am I not surprised!!!

It ended up being a fun trip to the park, where they rode their bikes around all the paths, chased birds, and I even rode Gav's bike down a hill to the kids delight. Sure do love simple days like today that remind me of God's gifts to me. My sweet boys.

Video of Ethan singing

Ethan recording his track for the song. He looks like a natural...he even knows what "kiss the mic" means.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ZpphtM_CbKc

Click on the link to HEAR what Ethan sang for the talent show. Please enjoy the video of Ethan, age 5, singing. Brad is singing with Ethan. We have had so many people ask for a video of him singing that my amazing husband put this together today so everyone could hear our little man sing. He sure is adorable!!

Girls retreat!

It was about time that we took a time out for a girls weekend. Most of these fun ladies have husbands in a rigorous school program, so it was an actual treat to get us all together to go out of town for a night. We all met through church, and have a lot of fun together.

We had great plans to have dinner at the condo, play games and give each other mani and pedicures. We actually arrived, walked around the lake for a bit, had dinner, and then talked for 8hrs with lots of eating treats in between. We cannot forget about the fire in the microwave, that was exciting and gave us a bolt of energy which is what kept us up talking until 4am. Then we got up at 8am to hit the mall. We were all running on fumes. Well, I was used to no sleep, so I was loving it!!

I had a ton of fun with these ladies, growing closer, sharing stories and laughing my booty off. So fun. I love how these girls have become my "roommates" during this college life. It will be so sad to move away and start reality. A true example that you can always find good things in a hard situation... the friends I have made during this hard crazy law school life.

Talent Show

Brads band her put together with a bunch of his law school buddies!

Singing his little heart out, he says, "I wasn't scared one bit."
Brad on guitar and vocals, Ethan main vocals, me on bass.
I think Ethan changed positions of his legs at least 10x during the song, but he did great!!!

For our church activity, the Bishop put Brad in charge. He decided to make our church activity a talent show and taco bar. I was a little nervous bc I was working the weekend of the show which means Brad would have to do everything himself. Well, I ended up getting the night of the talent show off to help. BUT Brad ended up doing everything himself anyway. He just has a "get it done right" personality and had everything prepped before I woke up. I guess cooking a taco bar for 80 people was no big deal to him, and putting together a talent show AND setting up for it on top of it all. He also practiced with a couple people who he was accompanying during the show or playing with his band he put together.

He also had tables out for others to display their non-performing arts talents. I was blown away with all the talent we had in our ward. Amazing painters, crafters, sewers... loved it all.

Ethan told us he wanted to sing a song during the show and has been practicing the past week. I wasn't sure if he was actually going to follow through because he would get shy if you watched him sing or practice. He would also set limits on how he would sing and when he would practice. It was almost a joke to get him to rehearse with all of us. But it worked out. He chose to sing "chasing cars" by Snow Patrol. Brad played the guitar and sang with him, I played the bass while Ethan sang. It was so darling to hear Ethan sing every word into the mic with no problems. I was super nervous for some reason, but he acted (just like his dad) like it was no big deal. So adorable, I wish we recorded it. I'm hoping Ethan sticks with his love for music like Brad. Brad started playing the guitar at 6yrs old. That will be next year for Ethan. He seems eager to start to learn, lets hope it sticks. I think it would be so fun to have a musical family!

Brad also got some of his law school buddies to join in a band. NOT ONE of these guys have EVER played in a band before. It was so funny, but I thought they rocked it! Brad taught the bass player, Taylor, how to play his part in only 2 practices. Nate, vocalist, learned the words and sang. Mark on the drums. Matt on the maracas. Quite the band, I believe they named the band "this is for realzies" haha.

My favorite part in all of this was watching and hearing Brad play and sing to the guitar. It has been awhile since he really sat down and played like he used to when we were first married. He is so talented, I just love listening to him. I am one lucky girl :)

Seattle trip

We had a 3 day weekend, so Brad and I decided to bring some friends to Seattle for a fun relaxing weekend. We packed the car up and all drove together in our car. The kids did great, all 3 boys sat in back. The girls in the middle and the law students sat in front.

It was so fun to have friends come up with us. They were really easy to travel with. We showed them around Seattle, Woodland park zoo, Pike place, children museums, the beach and even got a date night in while mom watched the kids. The weather was rainy the entire time, but we still ventured out without any complaints. I am so sad this is the last year with this awesome family, they will be moving to Boise to finish school. :( Hopefully we get to visit each other often!!

Gav vs bike uncensored

My crazy Monkey

You know, I was pretty proud of myself today. I killed two birds with one stone, it was saawweeet.

I decided that I needed to get my workout on, but I didn't have a sitter for my kids. No worries, both children were bouncing off the wall. Not literally, well Gavin sure tried... does slamming the washer door over and over again while running around the house screaming something that sounded like "whoooooaaaaaaccccaaarrrruummmmbbaaaawhhoooooaaaaaaaoooo" in shrilling voice, and sometimes slamming into my legs to stop himself from slamming into the wall. Yeah, Gavin needed a workout, really bad.

So, since we all needed a workout, we pulled on our workout stuff. Me running shoes, gloves and ear warmers. The kids coats, gloves and helmets. I took them on a LONG bike ride while I ran with them. Surprisingly, I run at their bike riding pace...maybe a little faster than Gavin since he liked to skid his tire on my heels as I ran so I had to make sure I was 2 steps ahead.

It was awesome. The kids got a workout, I got a workout. Amazing until Gavin rammed his bike into a curb and smashed his balls into the bar of the bike, then it was all tears for him and cringing for me (I just wrote balls on my blog, awkward). Poor kid, we came inside and got hot chocolate and checked out his ouchie... it looks like all parts in the right places and the right size (which I was a little worried about) but Brad said it's okay for them to get smashed every once in a while. Um...What did he just say? Like my son's balls will get tougher with every battle wound? I don't believe those things are like hands that can take a callus or two, I don't have one myself but I'm pretty sure ramming your ball sack into the bar of your bike full speed could NOT be good for them! Brad asked if Gavin had a stomach ache, and Gav said no, Brad say's it must not have been that bad of a smash if it didn't cause a stomach ache (then proceeded to tell him what happens to Dad when HE gets hit in the nuts, quite humorous moment for me to listen to that). Can't wait for Ethan to tell everyone in preschool what happens to his dad when he gets kicked in the balls... Good to know, love the things I learn everyday from my boys.

I kinda feel bad for all those boys I kicked in the balls growing up, just a little bit. Sorry for that Royce, Brandon, Zach, Corey, Aaron and Adam... at least those are the ones I remember, and sorry to those who I cannot remember.

At any rate, jogging while my boys bike will now go on the to-do list. After all, Gavin was A LOT calmer afterward.

M stands for...

MOM & Monica!

When I reflect back on Brad and I deciding to have kids, I wonder what I was thinking? In a good way... But to be honest, I DON'T think I WAS thinking of what a mother could mean. Now that I have 2 kids, and I am nearing 30, I wonder if it is okay to be defined by my children. Right now I live for them. I cart them places, sing crazy songs, do weird things and talk in funny voices to get them to laugh. I am a constant worry of who they are and what they are becoming. I don't think one conversation that comes out of my mouth doesn't involve them in some way. I go to bed guilty that I was too grumpy to read them "one more book" or "sing one more song." What I wear in the morning is decided on whether or not butt crack will show while tying their shoes or if it will be too tight while wrestling the boys. Yeah, all 3 mins of my allotted time to get ready is consumed by my boys. I feel every bump and scratch that my child has all the way down to my own bones. I even eat and drink out of children's plates, cups and silverware.

I think, all of us mothers, give so much of ourselves that the tiny bit that's left of us comes out in small rays of sunshine on a cloudy day. I think about everything that I don't do anymore now that I am a mother. The stuff I don't have time for anymore, and that I can't do because of my responsibilities. AND...surprisingly, I am okay with that. Tonight, after the kids went to bed, my husband and I looked for a movie to watch. But I ended up cleaning the house. He told me to do something that I WANT to do, instead of cleaning the house. I thought for a minute...what do I want to do? It's been so long that I've let myself do anything for me without letting my worry about my kids talk me out of it. Even when I play basketball in the morning with other moms while my kids play with other kids, I wonder if it's the best thing for them? But, tonight at that moment, cleaning the house was what I wanted to get done bc I know when the kids wake up I won't be able to do it.

I feel like tonight, I used my kids as an excuse not to be me. I had time, but I didn't use it. How many times do I miss small opportunities to soak in the tub or read a good book that I used to love to do because I use the excuse of my kids? It's not their fault, it is mine. I forget that I am still here, and chose only to notice that it's a cloudy day, instead of recognizing that the sun is still there behind the clouds.

I can only hope, when those rays of sunshine sneak through, that I WILL CHOOSE TO turn my face to the sun and feel the warmth as energy that I can still be me, the best part of me. That it is okay to have my children define PARTS of me, but still hang on to me. To use those times, to get a break, feed my soul, renew my thoughts, and in turn, be a better mom.

Did you know...

I turn 30 in 4 MONTHS?

Yesterday was a good friends birthday. I called her late at night and sang her a crazy little song on her message machine. After hanging up I started to panic a little. I mean, when I was younger I thought 30 was SO old! I still think it is so old. I remember thinking I wanted all of my kids done by 30, but then I didn't want to get married until I was 25! Wrong and wrong. I am so glad I made these decisions that have led me to be where I am at today. With marrying Brad and my two little rascals (hopefully more puffpaffs in the future). But as I thought about where I have come, I realized I only have 4 months to accomplish some goals that I have been working on.

There are so many things I thought 30 can bring and that I should be BY the age of 30. I have set a few goals to help me reach by the ripe old age of 30.

1. We've all heard that at 30 our metabolism slows down. So to beat that, I want to be in shape before the metabolism goes down hill. I set a goal to work out at least 3x a week, 3x is manageable for me since I work nights and sleep half the days, so I know I can squeeze it in somewhere. I'm hoping this will be a routine by my birthday.



2. Get it together... I have no idea how to reach this goal, bc I live in constant chaos. But by my birthday, I want to be one of those people who just HAVE IT TOGETHER. I will have to contemplate this one bc so much falls into this category. From cooking, cleaning, and showering at a decent time of the day.



3. Be a BETTER mom. I adore my kids, with every single part of me. But I want to continue to help them grow and learn. Be more active with them instead of just watching them. I think working out will help with this one.



4. GO out and DO the things I've been wanting to do.

This should cover it all, right? I sure hope so, because I'm not getting ANY younger. :)